A Letter to my grandmother

   Dear granny
 Hi it's me again, how are you and how things are going up there?
it's almost 6 years now grandma and I just can't get you out of my head every night before sleeping I think about you and every morning you are the first thing that pop into my head -unless i have a lesson-
I'm okay now, well I'm not expecting you to come back or anything like before so I guess I'm accepting the fact that you are gone forever. Things are going fast you know, i mean you left me when i was 12 and now I'm almost 18,and I'm at my senior year in high school as well. I wish you were here to see me growing up and witness all of those ups and downs. If you were here I wouldn't stop talking to you I swear, I would tell you about my first days in this new school and how is it felt to be the new kiddo, I'd tell about those bitches who tried to get me down but I took control of it don't worry, I'd also tell you about my crush, or should I say crushes :'D LOL, I would tell you about my new friends and about those who are trying to get advantages of me, I would make you beg me to stop talking grandma, I swear.


   I have your photo as my lock screen, and I found your dress I wear it everyday to prayers and god,It still smells like you and I still have this tie you made for me in fifth grade

 

but unfortunately I don't have those little dresses you made for me and Renad when were about five,you were so talented. I remember when you helped us make a little dress for our doll when we had a sleep over at your place once, that was cool tho.  I guess one can never hold on to every memory it's just how  things go down there on earth we hold on to things we think they mean life to us and when they go away, life keeps going on as simple as it may sounds.

you know what is making me so angry, that ever since you left life didn't stop,I thought that when we lose our beloved ones things will at least suck forever, but nothing of this occurred actually. It went like usual just a couple of consecutive ups and downs every now and then, and despite all of that I'm still young, too young to get the whole situation 

anyway granny stay safe till we can see eachother once again in your place, you will always be in my prayers !

Gifted you are

   Wanna know what brought me back here?, it's that thing called "passion", and this sense of belonging I have deep inside .. for writing in general,  In fact back in elementary school when they told us to bring a "writing" copybook I thought it's useless, not the copybook - I didn't care actually- but writing itself like, who am I to actually Write I'm not Najeeb Mahfouz or something, but by time i realised that weirdos can also writ, I discovered a whole new side of me, I think discovering new sides of ourselves is one of god's ways to show us that there's still hope, I mean  at some points people start to feel weak and unsatisfied with who they truly are and then you discover a new thing in your character not especially a talent maybe a new skill or even a new positive though, which gives you the slightest hope it's like god is telling you "Hey, I know you better than you know yourself, I'm much closer to you than you are to yourself"  :D
 God also got ways to make us feel loved, secure, beautiful, safe, happy and much more that words can not cover, and all those hardships that you've been through are just the way to the relief , believe that the dark is always the way to light, mousa Aleh Al salaam went to look for a source of light for his wife and got back to her as a prophet.

  But demons inside me always piss me off ,make me feel incomplete, and somehow bad, and that's because of the things I feel about people which are meaningless, I mean I judge people sometimes by their looks, I do hate some people for no proper reason, and sometimes I feel like "this person understands me like no one else" but situations prove me wrong afterwards and I don't know if these "situations" only in my mind or they are real like I'm not sure if I'm making silly excuses all the time or it's just true ! and with all those shitty demons I'm still surrounded by a real good company like god is always there for me every time, he never let go of me, which makes me feel even worse about myself

but lately I realised something, I can't treat god the way I treat people, like if I'm ashamed of my sins I feel ashamed even to talk to him, but it's just not the way things go with god cause he understands us really well like no other human being, he knows how pure we are deep inside even tho we feel bad about ourselves, because he is a good listener, when I pray for something and he give it to me right away or even after a while I feel the greatness of Allah, and i realise how tiny I am in this world, thanking him is always not enough

  the bottom line is that people feel awful about themselves, their boddies, their friends and family, unsatisfied with their lives,always feel incomplete and hollow, sometimes ungrateful but they also know how to love , care, and sacrifice, people are simply the perfect mix between good and bad but they are basically good so it's never too late to recall your good soul no matter how dark you became from inside !
 

Hey Mum

  Hey Mum, when did we grow up, seriously when did all the past years just pass, when did I become 17, and why .. I remember my first day at the kindergarten, just like it was yesterday, and when I was about to enter middle school I was like " hey mama, a whole new stage is a head of me, what would like to say .. as an advise" you just laughed, I didn't get it back then  but I guess you meant " you absolutely know nothing about new stages, kiddo" how on earth those who we used to call them B.F.Fs left and these who we never ever though of them as friends became life itself and I know this is temporary and won't last forever
why do we even have to make important decision now, I mean we're too young mummy !?

  Only yesterday you taught me how to write "Apple", I still remember the song!,  I wanted to grow up but I didn't want to be confused whether to choose maths over biology or biology over maths.. I never actually thought that making it to my dream college will seem to be that hard, and even if i made it I'm not sure if I'll be happy with it
things are getting really tough, mother.. why do I have to leave school now, I mean I just got in and why do I have to give up things for other things  now  !!
I just need time,

HOME.

     I'm 2 days away from my algebra exam and despite the fact that i know that my maths skills are terrible, I'm inspired.

I've just realized lately that absolutely nothing like home, but wait.. what is the correct definition of HOME anyway, like where's your home or what do you exactly feel when you're home . . I always feel pity for people with multi nationalities I feel like they don't belong to a certian place but then I realized that I should feel pity for myself for being such an idiot. I have this half Egyption/half Syrian friend who lived all her life in Dubai, whenever she starts talking in her cute Syrian accent people ask "are you Syrian and blah.. blah" and then she's like " Nope I'm half  Egyptian/half Syrian" regardless the pride in her voice and if she likes her 2 countries or not but she always speaks about her beautiful Syria in the winter, how magnificent the streets were before the war, and how they used to play, eat, talk,think !! and even though she lived all her life in Dubai and only one year there and that her father is originally Egyptian and according to papers and passports and whatsoever  she's officially Egyptian but she just  belongs to Syria . ♥

   I believe that the word "home" defines your comfort zone,  maybe you feel home when you listen to that song or when you read that book on repeat. friends are home those bunch of stupid kiddos that you can't love them enough or imagine your life without their existence, family is defiantly home I mean they are the ones who accept and stand you with all your  complex lifestyle and your fiddling needs they do love you endlessly they are just not good at showing it. maybe your home is yourself like your mind and your thoughts define home for you, your home is your soulmate, your partener in this life. Your home doesn't have to be a place maybe it's someone, maybe it's something.

   Home is where you heart always belong.